In need of help!

While I was thinking about what to blog on, I thought, “You know what? Since I’ve been thinking about my novel so much … and since I give so much advice about writing and editing … well … I need to put my money where my mouth is!”

Guys, girls, geese — whomever! This is your chance to follow my story. I have saved drafts of each stage of my novel. Actually, I only started saving new documents (i.e. draft 1, draft 2…) after a bit of re-writing so the example I post as “draft 1″ isn’t the crappest I’ve written — although this will be hard to believe once you read it.

I won’t hold up the tension much longer. Suffice to say that this is your moment to feel really, ridiculously good about your writing talents.

I don’t know why I’m doing this.

Does this mean my novel is “previously published”?

I’m about to show the saying “Those who can’t do, teach,” is true! Eek!

Sh*t up, Rebecca!

Here goes:

*** NB each excerpt I post is from the beginning of my novel.***

DRAFT 1:

I used two words to describe myself now – widow and mother. A dreadful combination, one I struggled to cope with on most days. The reality was such a shock to adjust to; the true loss of one-half of my heart and upheaval of everything I believed in.

Comments:

This writing is classic amateur. I’ll dissect it with a list of problems:

1. No time is passing (classic sign of backstory)
2. The writing is all telling (opposed to showing)
3. Vague words alienate the reader such as “dreadful combination”, “reality”, “true loss” and “everything I believed in” — yes, the whole thing is one vague mess that doesn’t connect with readers.
4. I am “trying too hard” or “overwriting“; i.e. “struggled to cope with”, “reality was such a shock”, “true loss of one-half of my heart” and “upheaval of everything I believed in”.

See, the things I didn’t realise was readers can see through a novel that’s trying too hard and not written from in here *points to heart*.

In my next example I skip to the third draft. What happened to draft 2, you may ask? The amateur me clearly saw nothing wrong with the beginning!

I know. Don’t choke. But I see the issues now.

DRAFT 3:

I stared at her intently, focusing on controlling my wandering my eye. Tiptoeing my way to the only square metre of bare flooring by her side, I nestled my heels under my bottom. She had the hook of her nose and plump little lips both snug deep into her pillow.

Comments:

This fixes some problems but it still doesn’t work. Another list of problems:

1. Still telling. i.e. “focusing on controlling”. This needs to be shown. How can I show the protagonist trying not to look elsewhere?
2. Too many modifiers. Focus, control and wander are all verbs, all ‘base’ words. By adding ‘ing’ to all three — in the first sentence! — I complicate reader comprehension, adding another layer for them to digest.
3. The camera is too close. As I read over this excerpt I’ve confused myself. I haven’t set up a Sense of Place. The camera needs to zoom out so the reader gets an idea about setting, context and mood.

As you can see, this excerpt is more enjoyable, just by a minuscule, than draft 1. The only reason I can think of is I must have learnt how to somewhat execute show v. tell.

Still, I provide no immediate danger; no character contradiction; no death, pregnancy, rape; no cinematic description — I don’t offer the reader any bait to continue reading. So for those of you who are still with me … I. Appreciate. You.

I now skip to draft 6 because again I overlooked the massive issues lurking there. Goodbye months of writing. Goodbye re-writing 180,000 words. Ahh …

DRAFT 6:

‘Ella,’ I whispered into her ear.

She mumbled something inaudible and shifted deeper into her pillow.

When she jerked into another position, her protective fingers uncurled from the hook of her nose. I inhaled and a sweet talc scent waft into my throat.

Comments:

This reads like a draft. Don’t you think? It reads like a first draft should, though. I only grace you with 45-50 words, but if you could read on you’d see that the issues continue — throughout the novel. Problems:

1. Although paragraph one and two are okay (nothing wow, but they suffice), paragraph three loses the reader.
2. The word “jerked” is wrong, misused. The reader won’t associate waking up with jerking.
3. The adjective “protective” makes any learnt writer go urgh! and a general reader scream boring! Like most adjectives, it tries to add meaning to “fingers” when it shouldn’t. Therefore it’s redundant. Therefore I’m already wasting my reader’s time.
4. “I inhaled and a sweet talc scent waft into my throat.” This last sentence doesn’t flow from the last one; what the hell is the talc scent doing there (this makes readers stop to think = bad!); and the prepositional phrase, “into my throat” feels … clunky.

Readers — rejoice! Finally, some sense has fund its way into my brain. The next excerpt is from draft 7. It also happens to be close to what exists currently!

Also note that this excerpt is almost eighty words long. If I cut the last sentence in half, I wouldn’t have enough text to analyse.

DRAFT 7:

Ella was about halfway through her cereal when she asked me that dreaded question. Her eyes were pleading. ‘Do you miss Daddy, Mummy?’

I should have known it was coming. Her spoonfuls became more sporadic and then, finally, non-existent. Even after the eleven, twelve, thirteen or however many bloody weeks it had been since her father’s death, I still wasn’t able to prepare myself for that question. The sting shot through my chest and the trembling took over.

Comments:

I’ve become so accustomed to this opening that I can barely “stand back” enough to gain perspective. Anyway, here I go with the problems:

1. “Her eyes were pleading” is telling. Like my other beginnings, it also feels like a tacked on sentence with no meaningful flow from the last one.
2. The sentence starting with “Even after the eleven …” is the one that’ll deter readers. It’s vague again. I’m not allowing the scene to light up in the reader’s mind. I’m not incorporating any sensory details.
3. The last sentence screams amateur too. If I weren’t the writer of this work, I wouldn’t continue. The writing holds the reader back. If I had written, “My chest shuddered as if someone poured ice water over it,” it may have worked better. Who knows.

Now the moment you’ve been waiting for — or not.

The next drafts between seven to nine remain similar at the beginning because I focused on plot issues. No point fiddling with the sentences!

DRAFT 10:

My daughter, Ella, doesn’t lift her eyes from her cereal when she asks, ‘Do you miss Daddy, Mummy?’

Her spoonfuls have become sporadic and then, finally, non-existent. She hides behind her blonde ringlets although if I lean over the counter, she is focusing on the milk in her bowl. The pink and purple Fruity Loops floating on the top, like life buoys, fail to captivate her today.

Comments:

Hopefully I can give myself good advice here. But …

I

am

not

going

to.

I’d love — I NEED — your help!

I’d be honoured if you want to leave comments on my analyses, or, better yet, give me suggestions on how to improve the current draft 10 beginning.

Do you like it? Does it work? Do you read parts that seem ‘off’ even if you can’t put your finger on a technique?

All advice welcome — especially if it’s BRUTALLY honest! Go! Go! Go!

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