Today’s post is a personal one. Many of you may know what the acronym BFF stands for. For those who don’t: Best Friend Forever. I promise I never, ever, use the term because it makes me feel like a thirteen-year-old girl but the meaning is still important.
I separate myself into two categories.
- I have me. Just me. My normal life.
- Then there’s Writer Me.
Writer Me is a personality people outside of my writing life don’t know. Not my mum, my boyfriend, or my life best friend (whom I love dearly). See, we writers have a different persona when we close ourselves off from the world and begin writing. We literally — it feels that way for me — slip into a different world and become hermits, emotional wrecks, frustrated lunatic. Etc.
Your writing BFF is essential.
Sometimes, this is how I feel.
As writers, we can push ourselves through agonising years of no, or limited, success. We also feel satisfaction for our projects that can’t be replaced by joy in other parts of our lives.
Ther person I was before I started writing seriously (for publication) wouldn’t understand Writer Me — so why should my life best friend?
This brings me to the important part.
I have so, so many beautiful writing friends who know what it feels like to be a writer. More importantly, when I’m down they know what to do to comfort me.
Non-writers don’t get what it feels like to write 80,000 words. Re-write all 80,000 words two times. Have a critique partner tell you parts are weak, still, and need re-writing. Delete 30,000 words. Add 20,000 words. Throw out the manuscript. tell yourself you’ve quit. Pick up the manuscript. re-write it …
You get the point.
My writing BFF is Clare Ayala (Published author, Rachelle Ayala). Secretly, I think she must have many writers who feel the same as me because she’s so understanding, helpful beyond your imagination, and always gives me the time to praise me, critique me, pick me up, or chat. She had insight into my writing that left me gobsmacked. Her handle over fiction writing is superb.
Yes, I understand I just spilled the above secret.
At the time we met (through bestselling author, Melissa Foster), Clare was editing her début novel, Michal’s Window. She took interest in my manuscript and critiqued it for me. In like, two days. Or something ridiculous like that. When she sent it back she had comments, deletions and insertions on every second line or so.
The woman is a saint.
She had amazing insight. I’ve tried other writers and readers, some successful and some not, in critiquing my manuscript. Clare was the moment my career changed. She gave me confidence and told me where I was crap in my manuscript — the latter in a constructive way. Above all, she was honest.
Readers, I stress the importance of your writing best friend (BFF) because this lifestyle can be a lonely, depressing one as well as the most satisfying way to live.
Of course, my writing life couldn’t survive without my other close friends. I appreciate them so much for giving me their time.
Melissa Foster, who I said above introduced me to Clare, has boosted my career in all sorts of ways. I imagine Melissa goes non-stop between being a wife, mother, author and business woman. Yet, she makes me feel like I’m the only person who matters. That is a wondrous thing — to have that support.
Both her and Clare are authors I respect for their work and their friendship.
Indigo Grace, a writer working on a series of novellas, is my other critique partner whose difference in writing and books shaped Writer Me.
Indigo — I hated you when you critiqued me manuscript.
Why? Because she pointed out things I didn’t want to know. I coped by the Ostrich Method — by which I mean sticking my head in the sand. After a few days I couldn’t believe how lucky I struck it. She saved my manuscript! You betcha I got my rear end into gear and fixed up the holes and issues she pointed out.
My first beta reader was Lily Robertson. She’s isn’t a writer. She loves books. She picked up the biggest flaws in my manuscript when my story was a horrible, awful string of words “trying” to be a novel. I can’t believe she made it through the story. She helped me when I struggled to find people to critique my story.
I was so nervous giving her my manuscript. Ever since, I’ve learnt what to expect from a critique.
There are others who’ve helped me as a writer. Serena Palmieri, Lisa Kaye. Lovely gals. There are many others who’ve helped me in different ways — all to do with writing — but then I’d be getting even more off track than now.
– Conclusion –
Find a group of writing friends and open your fears to them. Once the hardest part of criticising your downfalls is over you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted.
Above all, find one person who’ll be with you through the highs and lows.
That, my friends, is your writing best friend (BFF). ♥
***
Last minute plug:
Melissa’s latest novel: Come Back To Me (Amazon US)
Clare’s début novel: Michal’s Window (Amazon US)
wow i cried its awsome
Wow, so many others have said the same thing … but nicely said. Is this the blog that won’t die? The last comment is from April!
Novel Girl won’t die!
Or do you mean your blog? The last comment on this post is from September.
I so agree with you. I don’t know what I’d do without my writing buddies. Seriously, they have a way of knowing just what to say to lift me up and their critiques are definitely the only way I’d have learned as much as I have about writing.
Great post.
You are a lucky woman! I had to pay an editor thousands of dollars to get such thorough feedback! I’d much rather “pay” a friend– with editing assistance, good food and wine!
In my opinion, story/developmental/structural editing can be done by experienced, honest and fitted (to your genre and style) critique partners. Copy editing should always be done by a professional.
After all, some publishers can’t afford a huge structural edit for every manuscript. You’re as good as your competition if you find the right help.
Better lucky next time? Lol
Hi Rebecca
As usual a lovely thoughtful, helpful and generous piece of advice.
Lynn
You’re back! Thanks for slugging through these “writing” posts. I appreciate it.
Finding writerly friends is hard, though. Finding invaluable writerly friends seems nearly impossible. Then again, I’m bad at networking (online and real life), so that’s probably part of it. It seems like whenever people talk about their critique partners and writing groups, they form organically, so I’m not going to worry about it and it’ll happen when it happens. Still, hearing about your good experiences gets me excited for when I have writer friends. Most of my “real life” friends are well-read, but you’re right–unless people are in the trenches with you, they don’t really understand.
Anyhoo, thanks for the great post!
I think the best writing groups do fall together but this happens by people seeking out communities of writers to talk to. Most of it is searching to find a match because many writers just wont get your style and vice versa.
Haha, well your post inspired me to join Ladies Who Critique, so I’m definitely being proactive about it. Thank you so much for sharing that resource!
Good stuff! LWC has lots of resources and writers to meet with!
Reblogged this on Whimsically Yours and commented:
I couldn’t agree with this statement more. Ofen times I can feel so isolated as a writer because I don’t really like sharing my writing with others. Therefore most people do not even know that I write. I don’t have a writing BFF but I couldn’t agree more with Rebecca in staying that is essential. So go and start looking for your writing BFF and when you find that person make sure to treasure them
Whimsically Yours,
PnC
For ages I tried to hide I was a writer. I still find it hard to tell people I spend 24 hours of my days thinking about or actually writing for no money and limited success.
But like all necessary things we’ll get no where if we don’t stand up to our courage.
THIS is what I need. Or who I need. Something like that. Somebody who will pick me to pieces and call me names, someone who will really make me feel rubbish and enlighten me.
My current ‘bff’ is superb at blowing smoke up my ass and she helps me no end when I need to feel obnoxious, but anytime I ask for anything negative, something that’s no good, she tells me ‘It’s all perfect daaaahling’ (She works in television). Nearly 90k words into my first ms and nothing. Don’t get me wrong, without her I wouldn’t be anywhere near close to what I am now, but I’m worried I’ll become too complacent and start believing my own faux-hype.
I love your blogs Rebecca, now I just need to find ‘that’ bff…
I totally like this version better! XD
Martin, it’s nice to have someone who says, “It’s all perfect daaaahling” as your friend says but I’ve found that I appreciate the people who tells me my manuscript stinks because my main character is boring, and she’d be more likeable if I could insert a quality that makes her less self-absorbed. See how this advice can help a writer improve? How do you improve from the former comment?
I think defs search around for someone who’ll be brutal. It’ll be worth the tears.
P.S. I better not get a big head after all your compliments.
Maybe my work is nothing short of perfect
Of course, highly doubtful…
It’s taken me nearly 8 months of *very* sporadic writing to hit 90k words but I have done it alone, in a darkened room surrounded by cats. What I suppose I mean is, I have hardly networked (outside of my Facebook friends list) and that is what I now need to start doing. I don’t suppose you know of any UK-based sites that could help? Or is that a conflict of interest
?
Thanks again.
P.S. I’ll start restraining myself haha
It’s actually really easy to network! I suggest Twitter. If you have a never-ending amount of time — sure, pick out little niches. However, I suppose you don’t and Twitter is a huuuge hole full of people waiting to connect with you. Why restrain yourself to a few people when 100s of thousands of people could potentially follow you?
To connect with real writers, though, there’s an awesome site called Writer Unboxed, which is a great community to join. Better still, they have a Facebook Group where you can ask any question you want and lots of people will reply to you.
Well aren’t you just the best
I’ll have a look around Unboxed when I get a chance (you’re right, I don’t have a never-ending amount of time) and I’ve just set up a WordPress self-whoring account, so be sure to follow me when there’s something of interest for you to read…potentially.
Thanks again!
I love this! Honestly, I thought I was actually going to go insane before I started my blog and found other people who felt the same way I did. My non-writer friends just don’t understand it when I tell them how frustrated I am that I can’t figure out what’s going on with [insert character name here] and try and talk about the character like they’re an actual person.
Another reason why I’m so glad I met you! Great post!
I empathise with you. My boyfriend keeps asking me when he can retire and be a stay-at-home boyfriend. See what I mean? Does. Not. Get. It.
I do not think you’re insane. You should be and are allowed to feel these things. Your feelings are normal.
A support team or crit group are vital to any successful Author’s career.
Oh, yes. I’ve heard of one author who doesn’t have beta reader or critique buddies (and her book is amazing, by the way) but I, and many others, feel that people critiquing writing is paramount to publishable manuscripts!
Thanks for stopping by!
Critique groups can catch as much as a type editor, and critique groups are free. So it saves money too. However, still having a professional editor go through it before publishing is always a good idea.
This is great advice and something I’m missing out on. I don’t know why, but I just can’t bring myself to seek out writing circles just yet…
Don’t worry. Finding a critique group or partner is daunting beforehand. Once you get into it, it’s hard imagining being blind without their help.
Thank you. I am inspired. I seek critique as I contemplate moving beyond a blog into a short book. Many thoughts – all jumbled up in my head…
emanatingjoy.wordpress.com @emanatingjoy
Rick
Great post! My mom reads my writing blog and commented on all the writer friends I have. It’s funny how life splits into two worlds. Your personal life and your writer life. It took a long time to find my writer bff. But I adore her and she instantly gets everything about my writer life. The stuff that makes my real life bff’s eyes glaze over.
My mum commented on this post. She “didn’t know” I had such a big community and how different Writer Me is.
It’s weird how my life BFF gets everything but my writing. She’ll listen but it’s hard to understand the complex writing world if you’re not in it.
It’s funny my crit partner and I just met in January, but I feel like we’re old friends. Maybe it’s being in the trenches together.
It’s hard to have something in your life no one gets. But it was similar with my consulting career. Only consultants get that lifestyle and industry. 
Excellent post! I totally agree on the “Writer Me” and “Life Me” as 2 different people. And no one really gets Writer Me unless they’re a writer, too and I’m so grateful to the indie community for being welcoming, helpful, and keeping me laughing through the frustration. Makes a writer count their blessings!
I think only a few (yes, 3 or 4) people know the full me–Writer Me + Life Me. Like you, we’re both so lucky to have such a wide, understanding community to turn to.
Great post, thank you!
That’s great, you really need support of other writers on the journey I think!
Excellent post!
I’m still trying and failing to find someone who I can have that kind of honest sharing with and comfort to trust their opinion and (as a writer you know this part) be willing to let them take a look at each little baby as its first incarnation is complete.
Result? I have one friend and my younger sister, neither of whom are writers but both very smart and well-read, who enjoy reading and giving me reader p.o.v feedback. But talking too much about it, beyond a point a fellow writer who can gibberish with me on ideas and possible additions and removals and all the stuff to come out of our minds… still looking.
Might sound silly but online critique groups can work better than face-to-face ones. I didn’t have anyone to work with so I tried Americans and international writers. I’ve since found wonderful writers through my blog and critique writing groups. Have a go yourself!
Great post, Rebecca. Having a core group of supportive and knowledgeable friends is invaluable. You are very lucky.
This is a wonderful tribute, I’m sure there are a few who feel the same way about you! I hope to find some writer friends one day. I’ve tried but I have yet to click with anyone. Where did you find all of these ladies?
As it happens there’s a site called Ladies Who Critique. It’s amazing. And free.
Great post, and you’re so lucky to have found such great critique partners.
I have a small circle of writer-friends, and I don’t know what I’d do without them, because you’re right—nonwriters don’t understand what you’re going through!
When you find special writer friends who get you, it’s a great moment.
It’s funny, though, how people who’d do anything for those they love don’t know the Writer Personality in that person.
This is a beautiful post! You’re very lucky and clearly you know it. There’s no shame in saying BFF. I’m 28 and I say it to someone I care about all the times. When you’ve been friends with someone for fifteen years, that’s what you do.
I am very lucky. But I’m self-conscious about people hearing me use the term BFF.
Thanks for commenting, Alisia.
This was great
I write alone… Yeahhhh, with nobody else. Man, I tell you when I write alone… I prefer to write by myselllllfff…. Hehe, a little twist on George Thorogood 
I have a hard time finding anyone in my area that is even interested in writing. Weird :/
Interesting article. Wish I could find a writing buddy in London, but most of the people I know are into literary stuff and don’t really understand the type of genre I’m working in…
Lawrence, don’t worry. It was the same with me. My critique partners are American. I live in Australia. I don’t know anyone who happened to be able to and were a good fit for my MS.
Find online critique groups or writing circles where you can talk to writers and find someone you connect to.
Thanks for commenting. I hope you come by my blog again!
Awesome post, Rebecca! This is certainly relatable. Now, if only I could find the “reblog” button.
Thanks! I believe it should be along the top in that charcoal coloured bar or at the bottom of this post.
I remembered when we first started talking, I expressed those same worries to you about being afraid to hear the negative things. It was so very hard to take the criticism and not take it personally. Ultimately, after the tears, we get to look at the manuscript with fresh, un-jaded eyes. We begin to treasure the honesty and channel the energy into a better story. I’m glad that I was able to do that for you. And it humbles me that you say it “saved” your manuscript.
Yesterday, you asked me why I had a pen name and it actually falls in line with what you’ve mentioned at the outset of your post. I have Writer Me. Only a few select people know that I write and none of them have actually read what I’ve written. Only my writer friends have had that opportunity, for now until I publish, at least. The two worlds just don’t jive. Yet.
My writer friends are invaluable to me. I glean all sorts of value from their insight, support, life experiences and expertise. I know that I wouldn’t be half as strong without them. Count yourself amongst my writing BF’s, girl!
The hardest thing when hearing criticism about your ms for the first time is not taking the advice personally. I didn’t mean to take it personally but it’s a natural reaction because I’m so close to my work. With experience it’s easy to distinguish the difference.
I’m happy to have you amongst my closest friends. Thank you
Fantastic post. I’m still mighty afraid to open up, mightly so.
I was so nervous I had stomach pains. It’s only til you let go and receive feedback that you can improve on a new level. Don’t worry
I am going to try extra hard and not worry so much so I can let go of it.
Great Post Rebecca! I have a core group of Beta Readers that are my trusted friends and confidantes! I love them through and through and I expect them to give me the straight-up 4-1-1 (Even when I want to stick my fingers in my ears).
You can’t do the novel thing alone. The people who take the time to read your manuscript(s) are in your corner … they are donating their time and effort in a most generous way. It is such a gift!!! (Thank you Ashleigh, Tara, Mom, Kimberly, Mark)
It’s so comforting to have your circle of supporters. I’m so grateful to all who give their time to critique my ms.
Thanks for commenting!
Every word you write resonates! I have a very fulfilling job, five brilliantly diverse grown up kids, some good friends and even a BF. But ‘Writer Me’ … not so much. Friends and family now know I write (eventually had to explain the hours at dawn and in free time, secluded away with laptop!). They find it vaguely embarrassing while I am as yet unpublished. I’d love a BFF – although I think I’d have to call it WBFF otherwise my BF would be hurt
. Advice on how you do this? 
I was thinking the same thing! WBFF I glad someone else noticed it, too
And my advice…don’t hesitate to put yourself out there and ask! Writers love to help out. We give each other advice and are usually looking for more people to learn from. Heck, find me on Twitter (or shoot me an email!) I’d love to be your WBFF!
I wish we wrote for the same ages and/or genre! Because–YES–I’d love to have you as a WBFF/crit partner!
Every word you have written resonates! I have a very fulfilling job, great grown up children and some good friends but ‘Writer Me’… So, how do you find/make BFFs?
Interacting with your blog readers is a great way. They will have the same interests as you. You might find one that is perfect to share your writing life with. Also, joining critique groups is a great way to meet writers and find out who you connect with.
Sorry this is repeated. My iPhone told me this one hadn’t gone through!!! So I expanded!
I couldn’t agree with you more! I recently started blogging, and I’m having a hard time finding an actual group of bloggers in my area. This just reminds me of how important having blogging friends are.
I know. The support group is so important. You need people who understand what you do. Thanks for reading. I hope you like my blog!
Reblogged this on Natalie's Corner.
Thank you for re-blogging!